I died

I died

I underwent serious Shamanic Death in 2015. Everything was stripped from me – health, family, “friends”, work, etc.

As I began to understand the enormity of what was transpiring, I would witness as more was leaving, taken, purged, and I would remain detached and curious about the process.

I decided to actively partner with the process as I purged and released more, and more. Willingly, even, after a time.

It wasn’t easy. But necessary.

It was also achingly beautiful.

Towards the end of the active process, I made an effigy of myself and all the things about me that I was letting go of. And I buried her.

I gave her(former me) a lovely, private burial ceremony. I wept in gratitude. It was quiet, peaceful.

So much so, that my next thought became “I have no idea what I just did, but this ought to be HUGE.”

And it was.

I surrendered to the process and watched as more was stripped away – my home, my business, more of my possessions. And to some extent, my community.

Then a sudden, intense AF heartbreak occurred. And I was broken open more than I ever had been in my life.

I came to understand that the pain I was experiencing and expressing was the culmination of pain I’d never felt, released, or expressed throughout my current lifetime. And some from past lives.

The miracles that flooded in Graced me in such an astonishing way, I’m filled with tears to recall it.

I sobbed from pain, from opening, and from gratitude all at once.

I easily felt all the pain of the world. And the pain of those around me who were struggling or undergoing life-threatening illnesses.

I wept for months.

Some of what I’d let go of was returned to me- true heart-gifts of love, people who are the truest loved ones in my life.

I also came to realize that part of the pain was in the holding on. I was still holding on to hopes, dreams, aspirations, and that undergoing Shamanic Death means that those things must die as well.

For all the initiations I’ve undergone – most of them willingly, some not so – this life, death and rebirth was the hugest, most profound I’ve endured.

In many ways I’ve become “unfuckwithable.”

Life has a way of initiating us. Some of those things we accept, willingly.

Others, not so much. That’s when we make things harder on ourselves.

When we emerge from these experiences/events, we are at once no longer recognizable, and more ourselves than ever before.