Yesterday I went to see my dear friend and shaman, Micheal Runningdawn, for a healing session. I was delighted that he seemed drawn to the areas where I feel I’ve been working on healing and resolving for some time now. One of those areas was my throat/ throat chakra.
He asked me if I sing or had ever sung, and I told him yes, when I was young, and that I crank music up and rock out in the car, singing at the top of my lungs. He said that what he was *getting* was that I needed to scream my truth, and suggested I write a poem or maybe a song about my saga/drama/situation with my family. And, that it might be a way towards further healing for me. Then he went about the remainder of the session, giving me bits and pieces of helpful information along the way.
Later, as I was driving home and rocking out, I thought about what he said. I had an experience/ understanding that occurred to me.
It made me cry.
I was listening to music and singing along, thinking about singing my truth – screaming it out, writing a song about my situation with my family.
I grew up singing. I was incredibly talented from a very young age and sang in chorus in school everyday from third grade on. When I saw the movie Grease, I had two copies of the album and just *knew* that I would grow up to be Olivia Newton-John!
Whenever someone would come over, I’d ask to sing for them. It was always the thing that was most important to me and that I was best at doing. A first soprano, I was always the featured vocalist and was sent to perform with the best of the best in the state. Every single year.
Until I was kicked out of the house when I was 16.
That’s when I stopped singing.
I went to live briefly with my dad (who was strung out on drugs and alcohol, but a loving father) who was about to lose everything to bankruptcy. Then, I went to live in my grandmother’s boarding house once dad’s house was seized by the bank.
Going back to my parent’s was not an option, but an exercise in depression, dysfunction, and chaos.
I spent the last part of my junior year, and my entire senior year of high school in a new school.
With all that had happened I was so numb, so confused, so angry and ashamed. I didn’t understand why I had been kicked out, and felt unloved. I didn’t want to go to school.
I just wanted to party, get fucked up, chase boys, and escape.
So, I took as few classes as I could to get enough credits to graduate, eschewing chorus to just have the shortest class schedule I could. Even then, I often skipped school. It’s a miracle to me that I somehow managed to graduate on time.
When I was driving home yesterday and thought about how stopping singing corresponded to being kicked out, I realized that I, in essence, punished myself by not continuing the one thing I held dear. And, I cried when that realization hit home.
Not singing, not continuing to sing, is the single biggest regret I have in life. Perhaps the only regret.
Anyway, I needed that cry, and that deeper understanding of what occurred 30 years ago. It makes me so sad and mournful.
As the years have passed, I’ve had thyroid issues and have been told again and again, by healers and by my astrologer, Anne Ortelee, that my thyroid issues are directly related to the baggage from my family. (Imagine that!)
The deeper understanding from yesterday comes at a visceral level and informs me that I am further along in my healing process. I don’t know exactly how to transmute this energy, but I know that not only is it possible to move past this and heal my thyroid and my voice, but that healing will occur.
For now, you can bet that I will be doing more singing and rocking out.